But here I am. Mother of 4 months to Miss Delilah Maria. And honestly, I still don't believe it. I can't believe she's here. She actually belongs to me. I'm in charge of keeping another human alive. Omigod. How did this happen? Well, I know how she happened. But still. It blows my mind, and her father's.
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| July 26, 2020 - 5:27pm. |
I think maybe the mind blowing is due to the fact that we were never careful. Together since Summer of 2015. Married Spring of 2017. And not once in that time frame were we ever careful. Naturally, after some time we definitely made appointments to make sure we were all good. Maybe there were issues we didn't know we had. So, after we got the "You both are fine and fully capable of having children," confirmation, we decided we were not interested in alternative methods of conceiving.
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| October 21, 2017 - 6:33pm. Chris & I taking the train home after cocktails in the city. |
Naturally, we looked into IUI's and IVF. Made an appointment or 2 and consulted with a specialist. And pretty quickly decided it wasn't for us. The truth was neither of us felt that we wanted children bad enough to go through these invasive procedures.
We decided that if we were both healthy and capable, if a baby was to be a part of our future, then it would happen. If it was meant to be, it was meant to be. Maybe not on our preferred schedule or timeline, but it is what it is. And if it wasn't meant to be, then I'd be writing to you about my new Chanel bag right now instead. Ha!
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| January 1, 2020 - 1:01pm. |
And so, Chris and I went about our lives. I mean the man was about to cave and buy me a convertible when we got the crazy news. Seriously! We had been looking into getting me a new car and I had convinced him a convertible would be so much fun! Right? Literally, there we were at our fave little Mexican restaurant, drinking margaritas and Modelo Especial's, discussing my convertible...only to go home, take a freakin' random pregnancy test and find out I'm pregnant.
After about 4 years, there I was, preggo. And of course we didn't believe it. I mean I had actually bought the pregnancy tests as a joke to play on my bestie because we were taking off for a weekend in Vegas. AND I thought it would be funny to text him a positive pregnancy test before we left....so, that obviously backfired big time. lol.
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| July 19, 2019 - 7:17pm. We are freaking out. |
I still went to Vegas. And did a lot of pool lounging and shopping instead. No complaints actually. It was nice. Other than the fact I was beginning to get bouts of nausea. And weird cravings. I mean there we were in Vegas and I made Kimmy make a pitstop at a CVS so I could buy beef jerkey and Doritos. Yummmm.
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| July 21, 2019 - Pregnant in Vegas. |
And that set the pace for the next nine months.
My first pregnancy. So of course it was anything but uneventful. Nine full months of waking up almost every day wondering what new mysterious ailment would cause me a newfound anxiety. The thing is, when you're 36 and this is your first time being pregnant, it's fucking terrifying. I literally felt like a character out of the movie Alien. With this foreign thing growing inside of me and just making me sick. Unmotivated. Tired. Anxious. SICK. TIRED. ANXIOUS. And totally unlike myself. It's a strange feeling.
Suddenly I was just too tired to get dressed and take my usual outfit shots. Which is something I love to do! So, that was depressing. Too tired to care about my outfits or keeping up with the website. Which explains the year-long hiatus. On the other hand, I never really minded growing bigger and slowly not being able to fit into things. That was kinda fun. Watching myself grow and eating whatever, whenever with TUMS for dessert, of course. I mean there were days where I wasn't so amused by this sudden weight gain (I got up to 160 lbs at the time of delivery). But it's all good. 4 months postpartum and I weigh about 135 lbs. Still work to be done. Nothing like a pandemic to procrastinate weight loss.
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| October 10, 2019 - 3:53pm. Squeezing into a swimsuit I bought right before I found out I was pregnant. |
I never invested in maternity-wear other than a pair of pregnancy leggings to accommodate my growing stomach, a couple supportive tank tops and a slip - ALL from Blanqi Supportwear. A brand I highly suggest you check out. The items I purchased carried me throughout my pregnancy and postpartum. AND they wick moisture. AND they're so, so comfortable. AND this is not an advertisement. I will link the exact items I bought in an upcoming post on ALL the baby stuff I suggest.
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| December 19, 2019 - 9:09pm. Living in those Blanqi leggings. |
Getting back to the whole unexpected pregnancy thing...it was rough. With that said, I realize that there are pregnancies way more difficult than mine. But for me, it was rather unpleasant for the most part. I was not a fan of sharing my body with this little someone who I didn't know. And she had the audacity to make me sick and tired and feeling anything other than my normal fabulous self! *breathe, breathe*
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| December 9, 2019 - 10:02am. Home after another scare & subsequent ER visit. |
Then, there was the bleeding. The spotting to use the proper terminology. When you don't know any better, like me, you assume that pregnancy means no bleeding for the next nine months. Not so. And while every pregnancy is different, mine had plenty of spotting. Some brought on by intercourse, which is normal, and something we didn't know until one of our many trips to the ER.
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| March 4, 2020 - 4:28pm. Getting to know the nurses well at this point. |
But then there were times where I bled for no apparent reason. I bled when I overdid it one day trying to get Christmas shopping done. I bled when I started feeling super overwhelmed because Chris decided to remodel the house the entire nine months I was pregnant. Take note: remodeling whilst you're pregnant is not something I recommend. AT ALL. Stress makes your body do all kinds of shit. Especially when you're pregnant.
So, when you don't know any better, you automatically assume it's a miscarriage every time you see blood. I probably had this thought at least once a week. I swear. Some women spot in the very beginning and stop all together. And some spot all throughout their pregnancy. And I was one of them. I finally, finally stopped thinking I was miscarrying somewhere towards the end of the 2nd trimester. But the fear and paranoia for me were pervasive. I am thankful for the friends who answered my worried texts, sometimes with graphic photos attached, and for their advice. I was just scared. Scared to lose something we never thought we'd have.
Side note: I never took any baby classes or labor classes. They're suggested, of course. But around the time I would have signed up, Coronavirus triggered a nation-wide shelter-in-place order. And therefore I was unable to attend any workshops. NO BIGGIE LADIES! I watched classes online which are available. They gave me an idea of what to expect. But in the end, didn't need them.
Ummm...while it's on my mind. When your pregnant friend says to you that she's just over it. She's sick and tired of being sick and tired. Don't and I repeat do not tell your pregnant friend that she needs to stop and "enjoy this time." The thing is, your pregnant friend would really love to enjoy this time. But as she pointed out, she's SICK and TIRED. and that makes things really hard to enjoy.
Instead try one of these, a "I'm sorry this is so miserable for you right now." And "I can't imagine how you must feel." Or a "Don't worry sweetie, this too shall pass. And when it does, we're going to drink mimosas till we pass out."
These are all far better options than urging someone who's miserable to enjoy feeling miserable.
I would also like to say that while pregnancy was miserable, labor was literally a breeze for me. Everything I had feared was for nothing. I realize I'm so lucky to have had such an easy experience. Being my first time and all. AND not to mention, we were in the middle of one of the worst pandemics the world has seen.
We checked into Kaiser Santa Clara around 7-8pm in the evening with no problems and a practically empty hospital, thanks to Coronavirus. Miss Delilah was born at 2am. With epidural, all things are possible. I love you epidural. I felt NO pain. Not once. Only pressure like you're squeezing out a soccer ball out of your vagina. And it's SO WEIRD. It didn't hurt but the sensation of feeling her head right before it popped out is INSANE. The incredible wooooosh feeling when the rest of her little body slipped right out. And the same wooooosh feeling when the placenta and after-birth come out. Lot's of crazy sensations, but never once was I in any pain. Also, in case you were wondering, contractions, for me, were very uncomfortable. But I found them manageable.
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| March 24, 2020 - 2:20am. Life changed forever. |
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| March 24, 2020 - 2:20am. Hello Baby! |
I had a minor first degree tear. Which at the time of labor felt like no big deal. That epidural was hiding the true pain that would come in the next few days. The epidural wore off just as I was being loaded into the wheelchair and wheeled out to the car with my little honey. I still had no idea of the pain that was lurking. Just waiting for me once I got home and settled.
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| March 25, 2020 - 8:17am. |
So, nobody tells you what happens after. And I think it's because none of us really think to ask. It's like we're all so consumed with the lead-up and the actual labor. And for some reason I was under the impression that that's where the buck stopped. In the labor room. My mom always said, "labor is the biggest pain of your life and as soon as it's over you feel nothing. No pain." Fucking lies. Lies I tell you.
I spent the first 2 weeks postpartum wishing I was dead and buried. I'm not exaggerating. I was in so much pain I would just sit and cry and cry. Crying because I couldn't pee without screaming from the pain of the stitches dissolving. And I mean SCREAMING. Chris had never heard or seen me like this before and I know it was terrifying. I cried, more like sobbed, because my sciatic pain was so unbearable that every time I sat down, I shrieked from how hard I had to bite down to withstand the pain. Sciatica was something that settled in during my first trimester and unfortunately only got worse postpartum.
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| March 28, 2020 - 12:26pm. Delilah is 4 days old. This is real life. |
All of this pain made it sad and difficult trying to nurse and deal with a newborn. And I quickly understood why everyone was so concerned as to whether Chris and I would have help in the beginning - till we got the hang of things. Which let me tell you, as a new parent, those first 4 weeks are the most difficult and trying, both on you and your partner. Know this and don't feel bad when you're feeling exasperated and at your wits end.
My mom lives down the street and so does my sister. I am very lucky to have all the help I need.
Eventually, all the horrible pains I had melted away. And not a moment too soon. My babe needed her mama and the immense pain I had been going through made me almost useless to my newborn.
Again, friends who know just know. But if you don't know, this is yet another time where it is ill-advised to tell parents that they should really try to "enjoy this time."
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| May 4, 2020 - 5:31pm. |
Cry when you need to. Scream if you want to. Preferably when the baby is at grandma's. This is no time to be waking sleeping babies. Not even for your postpartum temper tantrum. Trust me on this. You'll thank me later. SLEEP when they sleep. Do not try and do what I did and clean house every time they close their eyes. This incessant habit of mine to keep everything spotless was exhausting and painful. Because of course, I was trying to do too much too soon. Just rest. REST.
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| May 20, 2020 - 11:53am. |
Rest because peaceful moments will now be far and few in between. Rest because you've never known exhaustion quite like this before. Rest because your life has changed. And this new life is different. And selflessness is the name of this game. Because it's all about her now. Her needs come before yours. And even though it's weird and different and tiring, you love it. You'll love giving every ounce of yourself to this little person...but if you're like me, you might not love it at first. And that's okay. I'm 4 months in and just now realizing how much I love it. How much I love her.
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| May 27, 2020 - 6:11pm. Delilah is 2 months old. |
We've still got a long ways to go in getting to know each other.
And I can't wait.
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